Well its been over a month since we lost Josephine Kay and earlier tonight Johnny and I went on our date nite. He talked about his experiences he has had at work (he drives a school bus now for our school district). I been waiting for him to talk about Josie all this time, and he won't say nothing about what happened, how he is feeling about the whole thing, ask how I am doing with the whole thing, nothing. The kids bring her up more often than either one of us. I so want to but figure he don't want to talk about her so I leave it alone.
Being his first daughter, I can see how he may not want to talk about it, since we lost her after all we did to try and save her. I feel as if he wants to just forget I even was pregnant. When we hugged a while back he commented on how nice it was to be able to hug me without having a baby between us, that being the only comment I can recall about what happened.
Jack said the other day to Johnny that he wanted to hide in his heart too (daddys heart), it about brought him to tears got him all choked up. Dylan wonders why the doctors couldn't staple her heart and make her better. Whenever the boy's see an angel, picture or figure or anything, they say there's Baby Josie. I so wanted to give the boys a baby sister, and Johnny a daughter, and wishy washy back and forth on the thought of trying again. Johnny on the other hand is done, he don't want to have anymore, thinks we have enough with the two we have. So I just don't know.
My epidural site is still bruised feeling...they said it wouldn't and said that yeah backs hurt after having a baby, um excuse me? I had four previous births without an epidural and never NEVER experienced this pain. I have a feeling its going to be here for a long time, tormenting me, reminding me of what I went through for NOTHING. I am sorry, she was not nothing, she was everything to me, I fought for her all the way, Johnny ended up regretting in the end of being so distant from us while she was in my tummy, and yet here we are with no baby to hold, no baby to watch grow up, no baby to coo back and forth to, and yet everywhere I look there are babies. I just want to walk up to who ever who has these gifts from God and tell them what they REALLY HAVE...a very rare gift from God. I never really thought about this side of being a parent. How rare it is to have a healthy baby. I mean there are so many things that could and does go wrong in pregnancy, and after birth. I can also see the other end, where frustraighted parents and their little ones running a muck. Being a parent is the hardest Job on earth, and we can't quit and apply for a different job or request to be moved to another department. We are in the parenthood job permanently. You think its over at 18? Once they grow up and are moved out, your house is quiet, yes, and your stress is reduced, yes, maybe your fridge is more full than usual, yes, and its all great for a while. Then their absence sinks in, and you wonder why they never call, you worry about them, you hope they are making wise decisions for themselves, you miss the little things, and most of all you find that your job is far from over, and may have perhaps just begun.
Being a mother who lost two daughters to a corupt system, and a daughter to our maker, I say to all the parents out there. You don't know what you have until its gone, so treasure them even in all the frustrating moments, they will pass, and you will look back on these frustraighting things as funny and wish you would have had a camera to capture the chaos you went through that day. Treasure all moments with your children, and never NEVER take them for granit. (not to say I did, but I was frustraighted with my two daughters and didn't know what to do about the oldests behavior, call it young, call it stressed, call it whatever you like, but I sure could of used some help in knowing how to handle certain situations that sometimes comes up in the life of a parent). Those Angels you have to wake to each morning and put to bed kicking and screaming all the way, they truely are a Gift from God, and what you do with your Gift is up to you, but I suggest taking every little thing they do to test you, with a grain of salt and distract them to the best of your ability. Their job is to get and keep your attention, and they most definately do deserve your attention, every waking hour of it if your able. Yes you have hard days at work, so do they. They fall and scrape their knees, they had a toy taken from them by tommy today at school, they had a classmate call them a mean name that hurt their feelings, one of their friends at school tried to get them to do drugs and they couldn't believe this friend was doing that to themselves, their boyfriend/girlfriend wanted to do something with them that totally broke their hearts cause they KNOW they are better than a piece, I mean the list goes on and on people and its all age groups. Kids are experimenting at alot younger ages with several things that I never even thought about til my later years. Our Jobs are to leave work at work, take it off at the door like an imaginary coat if you have to and leave it on your door step before you walk into your home, and deal with your kids problems. You are their hero so save them from the little stuff now, but when it comes to choices they make let them live out the concequences, but support them through it all, don't rescue them when they done wrong, point out that it was wrong and explain that life has lots of choices and we have to live with the choices we make sometimes.
Sorry this is so long, but I just want you all to know that we as parents have got to calm down, step up to the plate, take charge but gently, and show our kids we care. Talk to them, see how they are feeling, whats going on in their lives, ask if there is anything that they want from you (besides money), listen to them, they so want to be heard, don't argue with a raised voice (I know its hard but if you do, the cycle will start and you know where that ends...a slammed bedroom door and tears). For those of you who have to work alot to make ends meet for your family, set aside a special time for you and your kids to talk (no excuses why you can't talk tonight they need this more than you could ever know, of course you probably do know cause you may have experienced it yourself), ignore the small stuff (stuff that doesnt hurt no one including your child or any other breathing thing), punish the bigger stuff with groundings, loss of priveledges, but don't show violence, it only teaches them that violence solves their problems, and when tommy takes a toy from them and they hit the child, don't scold them if you use violence to punish them, cause thats what you taught them, you can fix this though by stopping the violence all together and guess what? it starts with YOU not the child.
My experience with Yelling, yes it feels good to get the steam out, but really is it nessisary? Why not try to whisper? um yeah I havn't be able to do this yet but I am trying hard to...and believe me once I get this down pat, I will let you know ha. I just want to know if it works or not lol. So let me know how it goes if you are able to keep your voice at a whisper when your kids dumped their toy box and spread it all over the floor you just picked up for the thousandth time in a week!!!! lol...yeah I want to know cause I want to know if this would work like I think it will.
So this turned out to be a post directed towards parents, I have my beliefs you have yours, change my God into your higher power and re-read the parts I mentioned my God in. If you don't believe in anything, thats ok too, just let your child decide what they want to believe, given that its a reasonable belief of good not evil. Those of you who do believe, May God Bless you with all the strengths you need to do all that I mentioned.
You know, with all the violence the human race does apon eachother everyday around the globe totally confuses me. You know why? Because I think there is enough in the world that is going to kill us all naturally without someone coming in and taking life from us. I mean there are deseases, cancers, disorders, virus', natural disasters, and more. There is a long list of each, and still people are killin people, accident or not. Choices have to be made to make an accident happen sometimes. I mean, a guy at the bar is far too waisted to drive, and several people offer him a ride or offer to call them a cab, but they choose to drive themselves home, and end up wrecking or hitting someone and kills them. Another example of a choice influencing an accident would be not having your gun locked up tight keeping it away from your kids, and they take it to school to show their friends their cool gun and BAM it goes off and kills someone/they don't realize what power they actually have and start to enjoy having that power and ends up in juvy or jail for the trouble they caused/they think that their breakup with their boyfriend/girlfriend is reason enough to point it at their head and pull the trigger. Whatever the case maybe there are so many things that could go wrong with not locking up your fire arms properly, if you absolutely HAVE to have them. Anyway my point is, we have many choices in our lives, and what we choose effects us and the world around us. So choose wisely what you do with your life. Everything that we go through, or are up against, we have control to take charge of ourselves, not others, and do something to make things right again. Yes bad things happen that is out of our control, its how we react to these things that effects us and the world around us. So what are YOU going to do about these things? How are YOU going to react to these things done? Ever seen a person smile at you in public? Automatically you smile back at them right? I know that I do, now that my face hurts at every little effort to do so. What do we do when someone flips you off or something? You automatically go into defense mode and you get all upset about it, gee whats that persons problem? Why? Human nature I guess. Sometimes someones attitude they may show to you has NOTHING to do with YOU, so catch them off guard and say "Wow you must be having a horrible day, I hope it gets better for you soon" catch them off guard, put them in check, and make them aware that their experience has effected the outside of them and the world around them.
If a smile is contageous, I don't see why doing good couldn't be contageous too. So go out and do something good for someone and tell them to pay it forward meaning they do something good for someone else and start the wave of good across the globe. Do to others what you want done to you, and yes I know there are people who mooch, take advantage, and abuse your generocity, at times. I have had my share of those. Just be aware of what they are actually doing, and maybe gently point it out to them so maybe they can become aware of how they are coming across to you as, and maybe they will wake up and change. Who knows, we are the most intelegent living breathing things here on earth, and yet alot of us don't know the power we posses or we abuse the power or we use it wisely and change the world around us a little at a time.
I hope this inspired someone, I hope this helped out someone, I hope this is something everyone can relate to, and I hope you tell your friends to read this. Even copy and paste it in a forwarding email and get my views out there so we can all start changing the worlds around us. It starts with YOU so what are you going to do to change the world around you?
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
ps. if this touched you or inspired you comment and let me know. I just want to know if I am waisting my time blogging here or not. Thanks for reading it, and for showing me that I did what I intended to do. and for Passing this knowledge on.