I wrote this November 18, 2006 to try and encourage myself to get a grip. To my self from my exhausted body.

Dear self,
Why are you so depressed? Why can't you accept the past and move on with your life? Why can't you be happy? You have EVERYTHING you've always wanted. A loving understanding husband who don't hurt you physically, two kids, a house, a nice car, among a whole bunch of things you've always wanted and you keep receiving things you've always wanted.
You CAN get through your loss and look for the rainbow after that horrible storm in your life. Yes there is a funnel cloud above your life right now, ready to strike down & turn your world upside down yet again. Don't worry about it till it happens (my mom's passing), there is a chance that it won't happen. Spend the time you have with your mom being happy with her. She acts strong but you know she is trying to be for you and your sister. Take some of the worry off her. I know you need her, and want her around for a long time. So keep praying and trust God to take care of her and the doctors involved.
You are a good person, wife, daughter, sister, friend, mother and human being. You can do anything you put your mind to do. So set your mind and do it.
I love you always have, may not have liked some decisions you've made, but we can get over them or at least work through the emotions.
Sincerely,
Your exhausted body XOXOXOXOXO



So I hope my letter encourages you as it did me when I re-read it when I found it the other day. I think this is the attitude we all need to get back in check with ourselves cause we cannot change whats already been we can only look forward and move forward in life there is no rewind and no delete button in life. I think that's why I like the internet and computer so much cause if I don't like what people say I can click ignore and never have to hear from them again. And if I don't like the way I said something I can go back and edit it before sending it. But, I just can't do it anymore, I can't sit here all day and stay up late every night like I have in the past, I just can't. My family wants me to be apart of the family, I haven't been apart of it like I want to be, cause I am invisible, or feel invisible. It maybe hard to understand me cause of the splint in my mouth and that's why I have to repeat everything I say at least twice if not 4 or 5 times. I don't know. But talking and smiling eating etc. hurts me so much, that talking is just doing me in to have to say things over and over again. I thought about learning more sign language and teach my family it and use it to talk to them, not sure if a 3 yr old and 5 yr old could understand it but maybe. It sure seems like worth a shot.
Anyways, I just wanted to share with you something I ran across before the loss of my baby girl, I had my two girls adopted out, that being the loss I spoke about in the beginning in my letter, if you were wondering.
So anyway, thank you for reading and letting me share, I hope it helps someone, like it did me.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
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STOP E-MAIL ADDRESS HARVESTING
Protect your family and friends!
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Send your condolences through guestbook signings here for our baby girl we lost thank you: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyjosiekay
And here is the memorial picture slide show on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZU14IOSA6I look at the more from Rabeka Jo and watch the thank yous and baptism video. Thanks.

Well its been long enough I need to buckle down and post on my blogs more so I am going to try to dedicate myself more to posting more often. But when its a one sided blog its hard to post ya know. no feedback really keeps me discouraged so if you want me to keep posting stuff you need to give me feedback so please leave comments so I know I am being read so I can be encouraged to keep writing. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo