Alright lets talk about children this go round.
Lets see where to start? Um well you see kids on TV in shows and in movies etc. and you think to yourself wow those are really good kids I want to have a family just like that when I grow up...then you grow up and start your family and find the kids not so perfect as on TV and you think wow what did I DO WRONG?
Are you doing anything wrong really? I mean yeah you get a few glares and stares and rude gestures from perfect strangers who obviously never had kids...when your kids are being kids...alright so how far is too far with the just being kids category? Is there a limit? I know the ideal is right in front of us when we turn on the TV...but does those children actually exist? I am sure they have moments of melt downs too there is no child that doesn't go through their life without a melt down...unless they are from a rich family who gives them every single thing they ask for and never tell the child no...then yeah what's there to complain about in a life like that? so no need to act out right?
Anyways...What I am trying to say is maybe we aren't at fault here for our kids being anything but the perfection we see on the TV...I mean yeah it was a nice dream in all but reality is in front of you and you gotta work with what you have been blessed with and figure out how to mold that energy and attitudes into positive experiences...It is very hard but I KNOW some how it HAS to work.
I will try things out and let you all know how it goes...
Perfection after all doesn't exist and pursuing after it all your life you will look back and wish you had just accepted things the way things were and worked with what you had instead of trying to make things better than they already were best as they sat and were ignored for years....does that make sense? sorry I am tired...I just had this epiphany before bed and had to share, isn't that how it goes? it sounds great in your head and then you type it out and maybe its just crazy thinking...but hope it sticks lol
I do suffer from perfectionism and I also suffer from OCD...once I get started on something its very hard for me to stop...and its easy to get distracted onto other things too so a touch of ADHD too...you know that email you probably got a while back or just last week who knows but you know you got the forward once...the one about how the lady went to go check the mail and ended up finding a remote and her reading glasses and all these other things that suddenly had to get done and then in the end found she hadn't completed one task at hand cause she was jumping from task to task? um yeah that is me...and it sucks...but I make the best of whatever...I tend to OCD over the stupid stuff too...and its hard being an OCD parents Child I know it has to be hard on the kids...I don't blame them for throwing their hands up and doing what they want cause no matter what they do they aint doing it right or whatever XD I am a wreck right now sorry guys just rambling my thoughts as they come XD
Anyways I better stop right here cause I need to go to bed...
but I had to get this out of my head so I could sleep thanks for listening to my rambles XD gn
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Normal People, and why we shouldn't desire to be "Normal" and just be who we are meant to be
There are many types of people in this world, and there are no two people who are exactly a like. So where did we come up with the word "Normal" and when?
Merriam-Webster says Normal is:
: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle
: conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
: of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development
: free from mental disorder : Sane
examples:
So who laid down the line that separated normal people from the not so normal people? Isn't that stereotypical of us to throw whom ever into a category other than normal?
Did the people who laid out this rule of thumb or example of "normal" know that it would later paranoid the society into thinking that maybe they aren't normal and question their own sanity?
Normalcy is totally 1900s being unique is the only way to be because that is how everyone was intended to be. Just because someone doesn't feel a certain way or do a certain thing a certain way or whatever that you picture as being "normal" doesn't automatically throw them in the "not normal" category! I mean who the heck do you think you are for labeling someone you hardly know or someone you do know and have known for years? maybe they have evolved as a famous scientist proved in his theory of evolution.
Everyone you meet on the street is a form of normal...their own normal...some days you may catch them having a bad day some day you may find them having an off day where they just can't think straight...I would like to know who laid down the first example of this "normal" and I seriously doubt anyone is exactly that that first example...we all were formed in the image of God....But we all fall short of the glory of God...we are far from perfect...we all make mistakes....just because we make one mistake doesn't mean we need to be labeled....just because certain things happen to us we should be labeled...just because we react to certain life trials a certain way doesn't mean we should be labeled a certain way...we all are our own form of normal...yes again I say we have off days we also have bad days we also have stumbles and falls along the way...but thats just life...if we always try and reach a stereotypical "normal" or try to achieve "perfection" we will have to look back on our life and realize we wasted our entire life trying to reach something that was right infront of us the whole time...we are all unique...we are all individuals...no two people are the same...not even twins...they look the same...but are totally different than the other in some aspect of their lives...and that is just the way we were intended to be...ourselves....
So stop trying to reach out for a goal that someone decided one day was the base line of human existence/acceptance in society that just turned out to be stereotyping people and throwing them into categories that deem them normal and not normal....making everyone paranoid that they may not be this normal they laid down as the base line of human existence...just be uniquely you and stop trying to please those around you cause you never will long as you keep trying to look to them for approval cause long as they know they have this control over you and you react to their disapproval of whatever it is you are asking them to approve of...they won't just to drive you crazy...just so they can label you not normal....or insane...I say just snap out of it stop depending on a pill to make yourself someone your not...because you will always be you no matter how hard you try to change...you lived through what you lived through and there is nothing you can do to change that either...you just learn to live with the facts of what happened...and learn to cope with them rather than run away from them or try and cover them or numb them...they will always be there there is nothing you can do or say to erase what is already done...you can only look forward and make the life you have worth living by making choices that help aid you in being the unique person you were meant to be...and if anyone gets in your way as to who you are to be...you don't need that person in your life anymore they are just trying to keep you down under their thumb and use you as a puppet...don't let them control you anymore...ya their words they speak maybe painful...as it is intended to be painful...so stop letting them rule over your world and start taking charge of your own destiny and thats you being you!
I hope this helps someone out there suffering from self esteem issues I am desperately trying to make this my life's moto...and live by it...wish me luck!
information came from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal all rights reserved to the publisher I do not own or claim to own any thing plagiarized in my post thank you.
Merriam-Webster says Normal is:
: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle
: conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
: of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development
: free from mental disorder : Sane
examples:
- They had a normal, healthy baby.
- Normal people don't react that way.
So who laid down the line that separated normal people from the not so normal people? Isn't that stereotypical of us to throw whom ever into a category other than normal?
Did the people who laid out this rule of thumb or example of "normal" know that it would later paranoid the society into thinking that maybe they aren't normal and question their own sanity?
Normalcy is totally 1900s being unique is the only way to be because that is how everyone was intended to be. Just because someone doesn't feel a certain way or do a certain thing a certain way or whatever that you picture as being "normal" doesn't automatically throw them in the "not normal" category! I mean who the heck do you think you are for labeling someone you hardly know or someone you do know and have known for years? maybe they have evolved as a famous scientist proved in his theory of evolution.
Everyone you meet on the street is a form of normal...their own normal...some days you may catch them having a bad day some day you may find them having an off day where they just can't think straight...I would like to know who laid down the first example of this "normal" and I seriously doubt anyone is exactly that that first example...we all were formed in the image of God....But we all fall short of the glory of God...we are far from perfect...we all make mistakes....just because we make one mistake doesn't mean we need to be labeled....just because certain things happen to us we should be labeled...just because we react to certain life trials a certain way doesn't mean we should be labeled a certain way...we all are our own form of normal...yes again I say we have off days we also have bad days we also have stumbles and falls along the way...but thats just life...if we always try and reach a stereotypical "normal" or try to achieve "perfection" we will have to look back on our life and realize we wasted our entire life trying to reach something that was right infront of us the whole time...we are all unique...we are all individuals...no two people are the same...not even twins...they look the same...but are totally different than the other in some aspect of their lives...and that is just the way we were intended to be...ourselves....
So stop trying to reach out for a goal that someone decided one day was the base line of human existence/acceptance in society that just turned out to be stereotyping people and throwing them into categories that deem them normal and not normal....making everyone paranoid that they may not be this normal they laid down as the base line of human existence...just be uniquely you and stop trying to please those around you cause you never will long as you keep trying to look to them for approval cause long as they know they have this control over you and you react to their disapproval of whatever it is you are asking them to approve of...they won't just to drive you crazy...just so they can label you not normal....or insane...I say just snap out of it stop depending on a pill to make yourself someone your not...because you will always be you no matter how hard you try to change...you lived through what you lived through and there is nothing you can do to change that either...you just learn to live with the facts of what happened...and learn to cope with them rather than run away from them or try and cover them or numb them...they will always be there there is nothing you can do or say to erase what is already done...you can only look forward and make the life you have worth living by making choices that help aid you in being the unique person you were meant to be...and if anyone gets in your way as to who you are to be...you don't need that person in your life anymore they are just trying to keep you down under their thumb and use you as a puppet...don't let them control you anymore...ya their words they speak maybe painful...as it is intended to be painful...so stop letting them rule over your world and start taking charge of your own destiny and thats you being you!
I hope this helps someone out there suffering from self esteem issues I am desperately trying to make this my life's moto...and live by it...wish me luck!
information came from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal all rights reserved to the publisher I do not own or claim to own any thing plagiarized in my post thank you.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Abortion
Comment:
Beka, For the most part I agree, and you know how I believe. What about kids that get pg by their Dads, or Uncles? What if you did use protection and it didn't work, nothing is 100% effective but abstinence. And what about women that are raped on the st? Should they have to have a child just because you said so? Or someone else said so? I mean I understand completely what you are saying here. But you cannot kill something that isn't alive. God says he breathed life into Adam's nostrils, and "THEN" he became a living soul, not before but after. what happens when you take your last breath, you die, and when you take your first breath then you are alive, not before. Anyway that is my two sense, love ya and hagn....
To answer this:
Yes its not the victims fault that they got pregnant no but its not the childs fault either that it was conceived I already answered about the 100% protection comment which is don't have sex if you don't want a baby with or without protection cause protection isn't 100% EVER....I know of someone whose step dad got her pregnant and they ended up having the baby and there are no regrets her mother helped raise the baby...yeah baby looked like the man she hated for the abuse she faced but she got over it and worked through that...they could have adopted the child out but didn't...which isn't same as real dad or uncle or whatever...but still I really don't care how the baby came about I still believe its a baby and it deserves just as much a right to live as the victim...sorry...I know the victim didn't know what was happening to them or if they did they trusted the trustee to know what they were doing and not let anything like that happen to them...and yes having a baby is long and painful at the end but its a lesson that the abuser should learn mainly...you get busted if you do that nasty stuff to your niece or child or whoever your abusing...OK rape victims can't rub the child in the face of the attacker cause most attackers get away...but still its not the child's fault that it was conceived...I don't care where it was conceived it has just as much right to live as anyone...its all apart of God's beautiful plan...and the person forced to abort will have that constant nag in their heart about what if they hadn't...and thats something that no one should ever have to live with just because of a choice a grownup made with a child/teen or a stranger made with a victim...it was all part of a big plan and to end that plan to me is sin...its murder...more sin than the act its self of incest or rape or unmarried sex or whatever...a life is a life no matter how it came to be...and thats my opinion and I will stick by it till the day I die...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
p.s. so since my baby boy River Lyric was born Still that means he wasn't a baby wasn't a human being then because he didn't take his breath? you can't say one thing and then not mean the other...tissue/fetus/embryo/cells whatever is still life being created...God also said he knew us before we were created in our mothers wombs UM what does that say if you want to bring God into it? I know why you stand by what you believe and I understand your defending certain choices of certain people in your life but I wont change my way of thinking just because a friend or family member faced this and aborted a child...I will accept their mistake and know that God will forgive them for that because they are misinformed about what life is...he doesn't have to breath life into us we have that breath of life in us even if we aren't breathing actual air even if we don't have lungs to breath...its LIFE a beating heart is LIFE and by the time a mother finds out they are with child there is a heart beating away inside them and its NOT just tissue its a baby its life and its created for a purpose not to be just disposed of because of the circumstances it was born into or came about from...its a life...I don't want abortion clinics to close because then it will be like the old days where women are doing black market like abortions with coat hangers and unsanitary means...I mean there is always going to be abortion but that choice they make will haunt them for the rest of their lives is what I am saying...and they will try justifying it like you are...and thats fine...I understand as I said...but I don't believe that life starts when you take your first breath...that breath of life is for all who are decedents of Adam and Eve...no matter if we are born alive or dead or if we are born at all because someone decided that they didn't want the baby at this point in time...thats not the babies fault and yet they are killing it as if its the babies fault...yea what if its the anti Christ what if its another hitler what if its whatever horrible person that they may become....blah blah blah...but what if they are the next Albert Einstein and has the cure for whatever disease we are wanting cured? or a way to correct a deformed heart without being too invasive? I mean it can go both ways I know but if its the Anti Christ then that means we are one step closer to the real Christ returning...anyways I am not ever going to agree that abortion is the right thing unless its followed by a tubal ligation or removal of the parts that create life since they don't think life is worth having at that time they shouldn't have them at all...
Sex is a choice you make with or without protection you are still running a chance of pregnancy...dont have sex unless you intend to have a baby if that is what is the end result...absolutely my opinion and I am entitled to it...as are you...and as I said before I can argue all night and day about this topic but I assure you I won't change my way of thinking even with your incest remarks and rape remarks...that child is apart of a huge plan and to end it because of circumstances is just dumb and waste of life
Beka, For the most part I agree, and you know how I believe. What about kids that get pg by their Dads, or Uncles? What if you did use protection and it didn't work, nothing is 100% effective but abstinence. And what about women that are raped on the st? Should they have to have a child just because you said so? Or someone else said so? I mean I understand completely what you are saying here. But you cannot kill something that isn't alive. God says he breathed life into Adam's nostrils, and "THEN" he became a living soul, not before but after. what happens when you take your last breath, you die, and when you take your first breath then you are alive, not before. Anyway that is my two sense, love ya and hagn....
To answer this:
Yes its not the victims fault that they got pregnant no but its not the childs fault either that it was conceived I already answered about the 100% protection comment which is don't have sex if you don't want a baby with or without protection cause protection isn't 100% EVER....I know of someone whose step dad got her pregnant and they ended up having the baby and there are no regrets her mother helped raise the baby...yeah baby looked like the man she hated for the abuse she faced but she got over it and worked through that...they could have adopted the child out but didn't...which isn't same as real dad or uncle or whatever...but still I really don't care how the baby came about I still believe its a baby and it deserves just as much a right to live as the victim...sorry...I know the victim didn't know what was happening to them or if they did they trusted the trustee to know what they were doing and not let anything like that happen to them...and yes having a baby is long and painful at the end but its a lesson that the abuser should learn mainly...you get busted if you do that nasty stuff to your niece or child or whoever your abusing...OK rape victims can't rub the child in the face of the attacker cause most attackers get away...but still its not the child's fault that it was conceived...I don't care where it was conceived it has just as much right to live as anyone...its all apart of God's beautiful plan...and the person forced to abort will have that constant nag in their heart about what if they hadn't...and thats something that no one should ever have to live with just because of a choice a grownup made with a child/teen or a stranger made with a victim...it was all part of a big plan and to end that plan to me is sin...its murder...more sin than the act its self of incest or rape or unmarried sex or whatever...a life is a life no matter how it came to be...and thats my opinion and I will stick by it till the day I die...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
p.s. so since my baby boy River Lyric was born Still that means he wasn't a baby wasn't a human being then because he didn't take his breath? you can't say one thing and then not mean the other...tissue/fetus/embryo/cells whatever is still life being created...God also said he knew us before we were created in our mothers wombs UM what does that say if you want to bring God into it? I know why you stand by what you believe and I understand your defending certain choices of certain people in your life but I wont change my way of thinking just because a friend or family member faced this and aborted a child...I will accept their mistake and know that God will forgive them for that because they are misinformed about what life is...he doesn't have to breath life into us we have that breath of life in us even if we aren't breathing actual air even if we don't have lungs to breath...its LIFE a beating heart is LIFE and by the time a mother finds out they are with child there is a heart beating away inside them and its NOT just tissue its a baby its life and its created for a purpose not to be just disposed of because of the circumstances it was born into or came about from...its a life...I don't want abortion clinics to close because then it will be like the old days where women are doing black market like abortions with coat hangers and unsanitary means...I mean there is always going to be abortion but that choice they make will haunt them for the rest of their lives is what I am saying...and they will try justifying it like you are...and thats fine...I understand as I said...but I don't believe that life starts when you take your first breath...that breath of life is for all who are decedents of Adam and Eve...no matter if we are born alive or dead or if we are born at all because someone decided that they didn't want the baby at this point in time...thats not the babies fault and yet they are killing it as if its the babies fault...yea what if its the anti Christ what if its another hitler what if its whatever horrible person that they may become....blah blah blah...but what if they are the next Albert Einstein and has the cure for whatever disease we are wanting cured? or a way to correct a deformed heart without being too invasive? I mean it can go both ways I know but if its the Anti Christ then that means we are one step closer to the real Christ returning...anyways I am not ever going to agree that abortion is the right thing unless its followed by a tubal ligation or removal of the parts that create life since they don't think life is worth having at that time they shouldn't have them at all...
Sex is a choice you make with or without protection you are still running a chance of pregnancy...dont have sex unless you intend to have a baby if that is what is the end result...absolutely my opinion and I am entitled to it...as are you...and as I said before I can argue all night and day about this topic but I assure you I won't change my way of thinking even with your incest remarks and rape remarks...that child is apart of a huge plan and to end it because of circumstances is just dumb and waste of life
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Abortion (yes I forgot the one factor that could lead to pregnancy sorry my bad see next post addressing that)
Unexpected Pregnancies....are there such things?
Um lets see here let me think for a second....HELL NO...the moment you commit to the act of having unprotected or even protected sex you run the chance of getting pregnant every single time you do it! So why is there the need for abortion? Medical reasons meaning not being of personal reasons as being stress but actual medical reasons to where the mother may die if she continues her pregnancy...um sure abort but then immediately tie off the tubes and do what you gotta to prevent from future needs for abortions cause thats just ridiculous to have that door still open after she nearly died because of it...lesson learned peeps common think!
OK so is there a thing as an unexpected pregnancy, NO because if there was then they would be the virgin Mary and holding our Christ Child a second time round...and yeah Jesus isn't coming back like that this time round so thats most definitely not going to happen ever again...so why do women claim to have these "Unexpected pregnancies"? um I was on birth control (read the fine print lady) There are not one single birth control method out there (besides not being sexually active) that claims to be 100% effective...so you are still running a risk of becoming pregnant even while using birth control...did you sleep through sex ed? did you not read the percentage risk factor printed on your birth control information packet? or what?
Women need to and Men also need to realize that doing a sexual act does pose a risk of pregnancy and step up to the plate and face the so called "unexpected pregnancy" and deal with it by having the baby that was conceived not frantically think the only out is to abort the baby...that is such a cop out...and a waste of a human life...I don't care if they call it tissue, embryo, fetus, or whatever they call it at whatever stage you find out your with child...that is a baby, an actual human being that is being formed inside you, If you abort it you will regret it and always have it in the back of your mind with the what if I had kept it what would he or she look like would they be a he or she even who would they of became etc...if you are financially and mentally not ready for such a commitment you got 9 months to get your act together and if still when you have that child and look that child in the eye still say you cannot give this child the world or don't want to...then you can always give this child to a family who is unable to have what you were so troubled by when you found out your birth control failed...Later in life your baby will want to come find you of course if you leave it closed then they can't find you but if you do choose to leave it open they can and most of the time will come find you...it may not be right after they come of age it maybe a few years down after that mark...but that constant wonder of where they got their nose or feature or whatever will make them want to find out...anyway, its not the end of the world when you become pregnant even if it wasn't planned exactly the way you had hoped...I assure everyone who does become pregnant and finishes the pregnancy and looks that baby in the eye you don't want anything more than to give that child the world...and if you aren't able to someone else out there can and wants to so bad.
I do understand the need for Abortion, for a once in a life time deal that also leads to a tubal ligation to prevent future life threatening conditions...STRESS NOT BEING ONE OF THEM....Stress can be lifted from the mother by adoptive parents willing to pay for all prenatal and delivery etc.financial woes that maybe stressful...if your worried about your girlish figure you shouldn't be participating in such activities that may result in pregnancy even while using birth control because nothing is 100% like not having sex at all...so if you want to keep your girlish figure don't have sex or go have your tubes tied or something instead of risking having to abort a child because you don't want it or the damage to your body...easy as that...
Sorry I am opinionated you like it comment that you do, if you don't there is an X located at the top right corner of this window you are viewing my blog in and you can simply click that and this shall be removed from front your face instantly never to be exposed to such an opinion ever again...if you disagree...then your an idiot trying to justify something wrong you or someone you care for done in their life and thats fine too thats your opinion you too are entitled to that as well...but I don't care to hear about it cause I am pretty much stuck in my ways...I mean we can argue all day and night about it but I really have not the time nor desire to waste my time in doing such an activity...just say no to sex easy as that if you don't want to have a baby...and if you have a condition that is life threatening if you are to get pregnant get fixed have that shit removed whatever you have to do to not have a repeat abortion cause that is a waste of life...thanks have a wonderful day!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Um lets see here let me think for a second....HELL NO...the moment you commit to the act of having unprotected or even protected sex you run the chance of getting pregnant every single time you do it! So why is there the need for abortion? Medical reasons meaning not being of personal reasons as being stress but actual medical reasons to where the mother may die if she continues her pregnancy...um sure abort but then immediately tie off the tubes and do what you gotta to prevent from future needs for abortions cause thats just ridiculous to have that door still open after she nearly died because of it...lesson learned peeps common think!
OK so is there a thing as an unexpected pregnancy, NO because if there was then they would be the virgin Mary and holding our Christ Child a second time round...and yeah Jesus isn't coming back like that this time round so thats most definitely not going to happen ever again...so why do women claim to have these "Unexpected pregnancies"? um I was on birth control (read the fine print lady) There are not one single birth control method out there (besides not being sexually active) that claims to be 100% effective...so you are still running a risk of becoming pregnant even while using birth control...did you sleep through sex ed? did you not read the percentage risk factor printed on your birth control information packet? or what?
Women need to and Men also need to realize that doing a sexual act does pose a risk of pregnancy and step up to the plate and face the so called "unexpected pregnancy" and deal with it by having the baby that was conceived not frantically think the only out is to abort the baby...that is such a cop out...and a waste of a human life...I don't care if they call it tissue, embryo, fetus, or whatever they call it at whatever stage you find out your with child...that is a baby, an actual human being that is being formed inside you, If you abort it you will regret it and always have it in the back of your mind with the what if I had kept it what would he or she look like would they be a he or she even who would they of became etc...if you are financially and mentally not ready for such a commitment you got 9 months to get your act together and if still when you have that child and look that child in the eye still say you cannot give this child the world or don't want to...then you can always give this child to a family who is unable to have what you were so troubled by when you found out your birth control failed...Later in life your baby will want to come find you of course if you leave it closed then they can't find you but if you do choose to leave it open they can and most of the time will come find you...it may not be right after they come of age it maybe a few years down after that mark...but that constant wonder of where they got their nose or feature or whatever will make them want to find out...anyway, its not the end of the world when you become pregnant even if it wasn't planned exactly the way you had hoped...I assure everyone who does become pregnant and finishes the pregnancy and looks that baby in the eye you don't want anything more than to give that child the world...and if you aren't able to someone else out there can and wants to so bad.
I do understand the need for Abortion, for a once in a life time deal that also leads to a tubal ligation to prevent future life threatening conditions...STRESS NOT BEING ONE OF THEM....Stress can be lifted from the mother by adoptive parents willing to pay for all prenatal and delivery etc.financial woes that maybe stressful...if your worried about your girlish figure you shouldn't be participating in such activities that may result in pregnancy even while using birth control because nothing is 100% like not having sex at all...so if you want to keep your girlish figure don't have sex or go have your tubes tied or something instead of risking having to abort a child because you don't want it or the damage to your body...easy as that...
Sorry I am opinionated you like it comment that you do, if you don't there is an X located at the top right corner of this window you are viewing my blog in and you can simply click that and this shall be removed from front your face instantly never to be exposed to such an opinion ever again...if you disagree...then your an idiot trying to justify something wrong you or someone you care for done in their life and thats fine too thats your opinion you too are entitled to that as well...but I don't care to hear about it cause I am pretty much stuck in my ways...I mean we can argue all day and night about it but I really have not the time nor desire to waste my time in doing such an activity...just say no to sex easy as that if you don't want to have a baby...and if you have a condition that is life threatening if you are to get pregnant get fixed have that shit removed whatever you have to do to not have a repeat abortion cause that is a waste of life...thanks have a wonderful day!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Grief
I realize people grieve differently but I feel guilty for the way I am grieving...it's almost like "oh well...I'm used to it" which is half way true it's becoming more and more a trend in my life. When everyone around me is so sorry to hear of yet another loss in my life most are more sorry than I am which to me is the coldest thing I can declare being a bereaved mother twice now (son and daughter died), daughter (my mom died of skin cancer) and granddaughter (maternal grandmother died from a massive stroke and paternal grandmother died from heart attack). But it's truth whether I want it to be or not.
Maybe I finally have that defense mechanism my husband wishes I had and it's kicked in and is full power ahead...I guess that's a possibility...
I say to many I'm praying for you but honestly I hardly even pray ever in my life because of fear of not doing it correctly just as with cleaning or gardening I have this sheer terror come over me when even thinking about doing anything and everything I force myself in doing things then when just one person criticizes my accomplishment I painfully accomplished finally I quickly start questioning everything I'm doing in life as in if I'm doing those things right too...it's stupid but out of my control completely because I rely so much on those around me for their approval...and it's just dumb...I should only care about what I think or feel about my accomplishments and disregard everyone else's two cents as maybe two wishes for 1 them disappear and 2 them to not matter to me anymore.
I know I've ran just about everyone off in my life...because my phone never rings it was nice while I had notices of Facebook activity delivered to my phone via text message but they started being jumbled weird messages that online were normal but in text message form made absolutely no sense at all. One more instance of my cutting my arm will no doubt put my ass out on the curb and quite frankly I belong there...in the gutter because I don't deserve what I have since I can't take care of anything without fear of doing it incorrectly...so why not blow it too...I'm really getting the hang of pushing people away and really good at pissing people off too...and hurting people too.
Truth is right now if I lost everything it wouldn't surprise me at all...and I sure as hell wouldn't fight to keep it neither I mean I don't deserve anything but misery...got the memo after losing the 7th person in my life (gma Delphine, Rowsheall, Katelyn, Josephine, my mommy, gma Cole, and now River Lyric) the message is loud and clear! Though I'm not sure if I'm hearing it correctly or not...again my fear of not doing things right or not...so stupid!
Why can't God just sit me down and explain it all to me and reassure me I'm doing things right along the way? You know say here's exactly what this was for here is what exactly you are to do about it and then send me on my way encouraging me to keep going and assuring me I'm doing it correctly...then is when I will finally be able to say to my critics say what you want but this IS THE RIGHT WAY GOD TOLD ME AND KEEPS ASSURING ME IM DOING EVERYTHING THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO SO KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOUR SELF I HAVE NO USE FOR THEM!!!! Lol
But that won't happen, when it does it will be too late then to do anything about it anyway so I guess I need to just do it and ignore the critics because I've been asking for help and no one is offering guidance but soon as I finally do something sure then is when people come out and criticize what I've accomplished so I'm just going to do what I want and if anyone says a damn thing about if it were them they'd done it a different way...I with a smile on my face say that's very nice but I didn't ask for your criticism I simply was showing you what I accomplished today on my own after begging for people to help me in instructing me on how to do things for fear of doing things wrong, I finally over came this fear and now you suddenly are full of advice that's so very nice of you to share after I've done it...in your eyes...wrong...in my eyes though...this is how it should be done...MY WAY! Take me or leave me, I couldn't care less. Tired of waiting on everyones schedules to free up time...I have too much time on my hands and no one has time for me...I got that memo too...so compliment or congratulate me on my job well done but keep your helpful advise to yourself after it's done because it's wasteful knowledge at this point in time dear.
Have I really turned into this cold hearted bitch? Well yeah...surprisingly this pushover and walk-on dirt eater has and she has had enough of the silent until able to criticize jerks in my life. So goodbye old life hello new! I'm taking charge and if you don't agree with what I'm doing tough shit you had my puppet strings in your hands and you didn't have the time nor did you show interest in my crisis then why have you suddenly grown interest and an opinion on how to do things? Fuck you your too late! Its done and done correctly in my eyes! So stay out my life as you obviously desired to...and never share your opinion with how you think I should have done things because your too late aren't you? It's already done!
Ok I feel better now to actually live by this...THAT would be AWESOME! But doubtful oh well I tried.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Maybe I finally have that defense mechanism my husband wishes I had and it's kicked in and is full power ahead...I guess that's a possibility...
I say to many I'm praying for you but honestly I hardly even pray ever in my life because of fear of not doing it correctly just as with cleaning or gardening I have this sheer terror come over me when even thinking about doing anything and everything I force myself in doing things then when just one person criticizes my accomplishment I painfully accomplished finally I quickly start questioning everything I'm doing in life as in if I'm doing those things right too...it's stupid but out of my control completely because I rely so much on those around me for their approval...and it's just dumb...I should only care about what I think or feel about my accomplishments and disregard everyone else's two cents as maybe two wishes for 1 them disappear and 2 them to not matter to me anymore.
I know I've ran just about everyone off in my life...because my phone never rings it was nice while I had notices of Facebook activity delivered to my phone via text message but they started being jumbled weird messages that online were normal but in text message form made absolutely no sense at all. One more instance of my cutting my arm will no doubt put my ass out on the curb and quite frankly I belong there...in the gutter because I don't deserve what I have since I can't take care of anything without fear of doing it incorrectly...so why not blow it too...I'm really getting the hang of pushing people away and really good at pissing people off too...and hurting people too.
Truth is right now if I lost everything it wouldn't surprise me at all...and I sure as hell wouldn't fight to keep it neither I mean I don't deserve anything but misery...got the memo after losing the 7th person in my life (gma Delphine, Rowsheall, Katelyn, Josephine, my mommy, gma Cole, and now River Lyric) the message is loud and clear! Though I'm not sure if I'm hearing it correctly or not...again my fear of not doing things right or not...so stupid!
Why can't God just sit me down and explain it all to me and reassure me I'm doing things right along the way? You know say here's exactly what this was for here is what exactly you are to do about it and then send me on my way encouraging me to keep going and assuring me I'm doing it correctly...then is when I will finally be able to say to my critics say what you want but this IS THE RIGHT WAY GOD TOLD ME AND KEEPS ASSURING ME IM DOING EVERYTHING THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO SO KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOUR SELF I HAVE NO USE FOR THEM!!!! Lol
But that won't happen, when it does it will be too late then to do anything about it anyway so I guess I need to just do it and ignore the critics because I've been asking for help and no one is offering guidance but soon as I finally do something sure then is when people come out and criticize what I've accomplished so I'm just going to do what I want and if anyone says a damn thing about if it were them they'd done it a different way...I with a smile on my face say that's very nice but I didn't ask for your criticism I simply was showing you what I accomplished today on my own after begging for people to help me in instructing me on how to do things for fear of doing things wrong, I finally over came this fear and now you suddenly are full of advice that's so very nice of you to share after I've done it...in your eyes...wrong...in my eyes though...this is how it should be done...MY WAY! Take me or leave me, I couldn't care less. Tired of waiting on everyones schedules to free up time...I have too much time on my hands and no one has time for me...I got that memo too...so compliment or congratulate me on my job well done but keep your helpful advise to yourself after it's done because it's wasteful knowledge at this point in time dear.
Have I really turned into this cold hearted bitch? Well yeah...surprisingly this pushover and walk-on dirt eater has and she has had enough of the silent until able to criticize jerks in my life. So goodbye old life hello new! I'm taking charge and if you don't agree with what I'm doing tough shit you had my puppet strings in your hands and you didn't have the time nor did you show interest in my crisis then why have you suddenly grown interest and an opinion on how to do things? Fuck you your too late! Its done and done correctly in my eyes! So stay out my life as you obviously desired to...and never share your opinion with how you think I should have done things because your too late aren't you? It's already done!
Ok I feel better now to actually live by this...THAT would be AWESOME! But doubtful oh well I tried.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Sunday, April 17, 2011
My bad news
for those of you who follow this blog I have some bad news...
On March 18, 2011 I gave birth to our stillborn son...River Lyric was his name...he was 2lbs 9.7oz and 15.5inches long...I am still swallowing this reality so I am sorry for not making this blog a real follow through thing where I post on a more regular occasions but as you can tell life just keeps happening to me and I end up beside myself quite often...but I do want to do something like this...its just hard to follow through when such horrible things keep happening to me...
Anyways I apologize for my not posting as often as intended...I hope you understand and keep me and my family in your prayers..
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
On March 18, 2011 I gave birth to our stillborn son...River Lyric was his name...he was 2lbs 9.7oz and 15.5inches long...I am still swallowing this reality so I am sorry for not making this blog a real follow through thing where I post on a more regular occasions but as you can tell life just keeps happening to me and I end up beside myself quite often...but I do want to do something like this...its just hard to follow through when such horrible things keep happening to me...
Anyways I apologize for my not posting as often as intended...I hope you understand and keep me and my family in your prayers..
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
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